


Christmas Ain't Christmas 'til Somebody Breaks in (Again)

by Twisted_Magic



Series: Jokering With Batsy [2]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: "I think my dad is gay", Christmas, Crack, Fluff, M/M, Wayne Manor, badly wrapped presents, mugshots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-13
Updated: 2013-12-13
Packaged: 2018-01-04 13:06:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1081358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twisted_Magic/pseuds/Twisted_Magic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Christmas time at Wayne Manor and the family is celebrating it the bat-way. Which means lazy butlers, cute assassins wrapping presents and gift bearing villains.</p><p>The clown is back in town for another ficlet. And that doesn't exactly float a certain someone's bat-boat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Christmas Ain't Christmas 'til Somebody Breaks in (Again)

"Hand me the Bat-tape, good sir," Damian calls over his shoulder, hunched over a pile of chaos on the floor under the undecorated Christmas tree. Alfred sighs exxaggeratedly and drags himself up from the couch where he had previously been stitching up Bruce's arm. 

Bruce smirks as he watches Alfred hand Damian an ordernary roll of tape, while Bruce himself struggles with a tangle of Christmas lights on his lap. "Thank you, Bat-servant," Damian mumbles before he tears off a strip of tape the length of his arm, a heroic look on his face. _That's my little assassin_. 

Bruce returns to his battle with the silly twinkle lights, an annoyed frown growing on his face. The needle still hanging from his arm dangles into the mass of Christmas lights, making Bruce sigh. 

"Alfred, could you finish up my arm here?" he says. Alfred bows widely before Bruce. "Of course. Anything else, your highness?" he teases while he continues with Bruce's arm. 

Alfred's words go right over Bruce's head, who is too busy growling in frustration. "How do these lights mangle to tangle themselves up so much, they've been in a box for a year, for Gotham's sake!" Bruce yells. "Could you get me a knife, Alfred?" 

Alfred smirks and instead just lazily stretches out on the couch. "I'm afraid that's just a bit too much work for me. And you can stitch yourself up, master Bruce," Alfred smiles. Bruce's jaw drops open. 

"You're telling me that although you can fix a broken back-" 

"which lead to my resignation," 

"-you rescue Damian from his pet killer whale every morning-" 

"in my defense the Bat-whale doesn't get fed enough," Damian pipes up.

"-and you're the longest living butler in the world, but you can't fetch a knife from the knife closet?" 

Alfred waves his hand. "That's precisely my point. All that work can take a lot out of man." Bruce is about to bring up that he knows Alfred secretly drives his Batmobile on the weekends when a crash suddenly sounds from the fireplace next to the Christmas tree, making them both tense. 

_Please don't tell me Damian is practicing his ninja climbing in the chimney again_."I'm not cleaning that up," Alfred says hurriedly. 

A shriek of maniacal laughter echoes from the cloud of soot billowing out of the fireplace."Bat-dad, your boyfriend is here again," Damian calls from his spot on the floor. Bruce frowns Alfred, who folds his arms behind his head. "Don't look at me, you only asked me to bar up the windows," he protests. 

Bruce growls and is just about to grab his taser off the coffee table when a purple figure and a green sack tumbles onto the floor. "Merry Christmas Bat-fam! Batsy's boyfriend has come to town!" the Joker yells gleefully. The clown is dressed in a badly dyed purple Santa suit and has green makeup smeared on his face. 

Bruce grinds his teeth and glares his 'you-should-run-before-I-break-your-knees' glare at Damian back. "He's not. My boyfriend," Bruce promises. The Joker pouts and holds up a slip up paper with Bruce's email written on it and he mouths 'you know that's not true'. 

Bruce ignores him while Damian 'pffts'. "Come on, dad. You don't need to keep it a secret. We all know about the Joker's mugshot in your wallet," Damian teases before he accidentally slips and disappears into his mysterious mess on the floor. Joker claps his hands gleefully and looks at Bruce to see if it's true. 

Bruce sputters. "It's normal for a guy to keep a picture of his worst villain on hand! Ask I'm-so-perfect-tight-pants-man, he'll tell you the same!" Damian's head pops out of the pile on the floor. "Don't you get Superman involved in this! And anyways, it's obvious why you go to the coffee shop every morning." Bruce stands up. "I go there because Jonathan Crane got a job there!" Joker looks back forth like he's watching a tennis match. "Sure you do. And I'm Nightwing," Damian calls as he leaps on something moving under the pile of stuff. 

"I don't have time for this!" Bruce throws up his hands, while everyone tries to hold back snickers. Bruce turns on Joker and demands, "What do you want?" Joker looks at lose for a moment, like he can't remember why he came, then grins and grabs the green sack on the floor. "I came to give you your Christmas present, Batsy! I sure hope you remembered to buy one for me!" Bruce clenches his hands into fists as Joker pulls something out of the bag. 

"Surprise!" The Joker proudly reveals a brand new toaster. He giggles and hands it Bruce. "I stole a toaster for you," Joker grins. Bruce examines the appliance for hidden surprises. "I can see that," Bruce replies suspiciously. 

Joker clasps his hands together and looks at his feet like a school girl being asked to her first dance. "It's to replace the one I melted," he giggles. Bruce suddenly doesn't know what to say. _I've never had a criminal give me a present before_. 

But Bruce is saved from the awkward silence when Damian bursts out of his pile of chaos, triumphantly holding up the most bizarrely wrapped present Bruce have ever seen. "Ta-da! I finally finished wrapping my first Christmas present! I think it went quite well!" Tape wraps around the torn wrapping paper in a clear shell, Batarangs pin it all together and something that looks like a reptile's tail is wiggling around out of the top. 

Damian brushes off his shoulders. "Personally, I don't see why Alfred makes such a big deal about doing this every year," Damian says before he places the present under the tree like he's awarding a solider a medal. 

Joker nods at Damian like its the most beautifully wrapped present he's ever seen, before turning to grin at Bruce. "Well, I must be going! Lots of Christmas stores to burn down!" Bruce gives him a warning glare, but Joker waves his hand in a 'don't worry' gesture. 

"You have fun with your..." Joker pauses while he observes Damian's present, the lazy butler and the needle hanging from Bruce's arm. Joker grins like he can't wait to marry into the family. 

"Merry Christmas, Batsy!" 


End file.
